I’m Back

So..I have been TMI lately. Why? I have not been satisfied with how things have been going. 

  I have been very depressed and low lately. Why? Well, overthinking. 

I am 28 years old and I still live at home. I don’t have a place of my own. I can’t move out because I am broke. I am in student debt and my salary was not going well. Now, I am changing my career and it is not what I thought I would be doing. Pay isn’t desirable but health insurance is great. I haven’t gone to a dentist or eye doctor since so was 25. I have found that I have become a failure. Life is taking a hard left turn and I am not sure what will happen for my future. I am not sure if I will ever be able to move out. 
 Since I have been stressing so much about money, future, acceptance, and wanting people to be proud of me..I am geared back to food. I found a bag of chips, ice cream, and candy to be satisfying. I found it was the only thing I can control right now in my life. I was thinking, “Well..I can afford this bag of candy and it makes me happy because I can’t afford anything else.” Well..now I am heavier and feeling less healthy.

 On the left was last summer. I was 183 lbs. on the right was the beginning of this month. I am 217 lbs. Since last year, I have gained 34 lbs. Granted, I lost weight the start of the year but I gained it all back and more.

 I stopped tracking. I stopped working out. I stopped caring. A lot of the times I felt everything was pointless. I couldn’t see my future and nothing seemed to be going right. Still isn’t..but this is not excuse to not be healthy.

 So..this Rachel Ray guest is a failure.

  I have a hard time walking up stairs without breathing hard. My clothes don’t fit. My skin is breaking out with pimples and psoriasis. I get really bad headaches. I have low self esteem and my confidence is gone.
However, I went back to Weight Watchers this morning. Today I am changing myself again. I did this before and I can do it again. Life is too short to be unhappy and feeling this way. If I am not happy, I will change it. I will not let the past ruin my present and future.
I hope this works..
-Jackie

This is My Year

I am going to love myself. I am going to go on the interview. I am going to get the job. I am going to fall in love. I am going to show love towards my family. I am going to hang out with my friends. I am going to save my money. I am going to laugh until I can’t breath. I am going to be healthy. I am going to walk for miles. I am going to read that book. I am going to be polite. I am going to see that show. I am going to get organize. I am going to get rid of that negativity. I am going to see what I am worth. I am going to wear that red, black, or purple lipstick. I am going to give to that charity. I am going to do what I want to do. I am going to respect people who respect me. I am going to let go of the past. I am going to let go of the negative people. I am going to be more positive.
2017 is my year. 

Don’t Live in the Past

 Life has been rather difficult for me the last year. Many may not understand but I basically had a crisis. I can’t call it a midlife crisis but it was very similar. Working many part time jobs, gaining weight, drinking a lot, and thinking people who were apart of your life really where not the best for you or ran away when times got rough.

 Life is a challenge and it is not supposed to be easy. However, when one is stressed out it is rather difficult to focus. I have been dealin with a lot of good and bad stress lately. I have been finding that food is the only comfort I get. I find myself not knowing when to stop. 

 I also over think a lot. It is a lot of negative thinking because I feel that the last year I have become a failure. Working really hard (and not being promoted or advancing), failed relationships, people getting mad at me due to feeling over whelmed and stressed, gaining weight, and just not feeling satisfied in life. 

 Every week I tell myself that things will change. Honesty, the motivation is not there. I can’t stop playing the past in my head. I feel like I have done a lot of wrong in my life. Wish I could fix everything. I can’t.

  So again..if I seem difficult or unbearable..please be patient. If not, don’t be in my life. I can’t handle anymore stress.
-Jackie

Random Thoughts

So, this is the last full week of me being twenty-seven years old. Twenty-seven had many ups and downs. I have to say 2016/being twenty-seven was one of the hardest parts of my life. I had a lot of changes and self exploring/crisis happening. I had to explore what I truly want to be happy and I am still learning.

 First, twenty-seven was full of the most tears in my life. I am learning that I am getting burnt out with my job and with relationships. I am learning what I want in a relationship. However, twenty-seven is when I learned what heart break actually feels like. Not an amazing feeling.

 Second, twenty-seven I was told I have anxiety and social anxiety. I get worked up around people. I do see this. I want to please people so much but you just can’t do that.

Third, twenty-seven made me go back on track to being a healthy person. One point I lost 13 lbs. I got off track slightly from vacation but I am willing to work hard again. I need to be healthy for me.

Finally, twenty-seven has showed me who truly matter in my life. If people care, they will stay in my life. The best moments at twenty-seven was spending time with my family and friends and going on adventures with them. Laughing until I cry is a great feeling. I hope to encounter this and being surrounded by people who I care about at twenty-eight.

-Jackie

Lost 12.8 lbs in Seven Weeks

   I am extremely proud of myself. I have lost 2.2 lbs this week. I didn’t lose last week but it didn’t stop me. I kept going. I have lost 12.8 lbs in seven weeks. I am back to the weight I was in July. I feel fantastic and I am going to keep going.

-Jackie

Declutter and Self Love

Lately, I have been holding onto the past too much. I would wish and over think that things would change. They did not. Time to fully move on. I started to but in the back of my mind, I really wished to stay in a hopeful mood. I felt weak and this situation made me feel self doubt and a lack of confidence. Now, I realize I am more than the situation. I decided to make some deletions of social media, photos, and belongings. No more of this painful past in my life anymore. 

Dating should not be painful. However, it is work. It is not a fairy tale. Things do not magically happen and fall into place. It is about giving and taking. You should never have doubt that your a poor person in a relationship. You should never have to feel that the way you are is incorrect. If someone ever tells you are “over dramatic” or “need to stop thinking. Shut off your brain” then leave.

  To that person..the over thinking is who they are. They can’t change who they are. To tell someone they are dramatic is painful. It makes them question who they are. It makes them believe they are ugly and unbearable. To not apologize and mean it is worse.

 To tell someone to stop thinking and shut off your brain..that means that you are controlling and telling the person to stop being a person. Why would you change someone who has a big heart, worry about the person, and have ideas of making a relationship work? Every action or thought was to show I cared, respected, and admired you. 

 Thank you for breaking up with me. I am glad to see that I do not need that negative force in my life. You can’t change a person. This is who I am. 

I hope you find someone who has a big heart like me (maybe bigger) and will show respect despite your flaws and habits. However, I am in search for someone who understands my big heart and will NEVER tell me I am dramatic and need to shut my brain in a hurtful manner. 

 

 I bought this ring last month to show I love myself. This is a ring that claims my commitment to me and no one else. I use it as an anchor. 

 I felt lost and deprived of love, especially loving myself. I questioned who I am as a person. I worried that the way I am is off putting and that no one will see me as something special. Some days are still hard but it is getting better. 

 When I look at my ring on my hand or if Icrub the pearl with my index finger, I realize that I am special. I am powerful. I am incredibly smart, talented, beautiful, and kind. My overthinking and anxiety is apart of who I am. We all have flaws. I am perfect with my imperfections.

Somedays are harder than others. However, I do the following to keep me grounded:

1.) Surround myself with people who love my imperfections.

2.) Teach my students but try to slip in inspirational motives and ideologies that keep me going. Hopefully, inspiring myself inspires ones of them.

3.) Eat right, don’t drink alcohol, get plenty of sleep, wear makeup and exercise. I am worth good health.

4.) Do what makes you happy and don’t be afraid to say no.

5.) If someone doesn’t like who I am, move on.

Life is too short to feel the way I have been feeling. Moving on is the best medicine.

-Jackie

I Lost 10.8 lbs in six weeks.

 I am proud of my accomplishments so far. I have lost 10.8 lbs while being on Weight Watchers. Going to the meetings really do help me. 

-Jackie

Self Love on Valentine’s Day

  Valentine’s Day is almost upon us or some celebrate this weekend due to expenses on the actual day. I was going to be bitter this year but being bitter doesn’t get us anywhere. This is the first Valentine’s Day in seven years where I do not have a Valentine that is not related to me. 2016 was a rough year in my love life and with rough patches in relationships; confidence, motivation and self doubt happens. However, this is not a bitter or sad post. This blog is not just a weight loss journey for myself. I am practicing health that goes beyond the scale.

   I am here to tell myself and all of you Valentine Dateless readers that you are loved. You love yourself. If you struggle with this (like myself) then I suggest practicing self love this Valentine’s Day. Valentine’s Day is just a day. Yes, the hearts and lovey dovey posts are everywhere, but don’t be bitter. If someone truly loved you..they would be with you everyday of the year. If they truly loved you then they would never make you question your self worth. Again, it is just a day. People feel the need to construct holidays as ONE special day. This ONE special day should be looked at EVERYDAY. This also includes loving yourself.

 A little about myself… I used to construct holidays as ONE special day. I was rather obsessed with it. I used to over think a lot when Christmas, Valentine’s Day, my birthday, and other holidays would happen. If it did not go as planned in my head; I would get depressed. Not only the holiday for myself but I would get high anxiety about giving gifts. I wanted everything to be perfect. Again..this is only ONE day and should not define you or any relationship.

 Anyway, all my single readers (relationship readers this could count towards you too!) forget about that day and practice self love. You are the only thing you can control in your life. If you are not happy then go out and change it! Sometimes we make decisions that hurt others but you need to be happy. Life is too short to be miserable and bullied around. Do things that make you happy. Take care of yourself. Surround yourself with people who will be around you more then that ONE day.

Here is the break down of my self loving Valentine’s Day:

-I will go to spin class at 6am. I will start right away with showing myself that I care about myself with exercise. Spin is something I enjoy and staying in shape is something my body deserved.

-I will eat a healthy breakfast and most likely watch RuPaul’s Drag Race. Eating all my meals shows I love to keep my body fueled. RuPaul’s Drag Race is a show I enjoy and keeps me stress free.

-Before my shower, I will do a face mask. I actually purchased a LUSH Valentine’s Day gift for myself this morning. I care about my skin and since I am getting older; I am trying to take better care of it. Also, treat yourself! If you have the funds, purchase something that makes you happy. 

-I am going to work for most of the day but I will make sure to get dressed up and put on some pretty lip stick. This will show my students and fellow faculty members that I care about my appearance and I feel so beautiful when I dress up.

-When I get home, I am not sure what a I will do right away. I may do some more work or I will crochet the blanket I am working on. I enjoy prep and grading for it helps me focus and not be behind on deadlines. Crocheting is something I love because it makes me feel less stressed.

-Finally, I plan to get ice cream (will count Weight Watcher points) with my girlfriends. It is important to have self love but it is important to show respect and compassion to the people in your life. I plan to do this with my parents too. However, it shouldn’t be only on this ONE day. It should be everyday. 

 You should find love within yourself and show appreciation and love to the people who stay in your life. Life is rocky and the ones who decide to stay and not leave..well they are the best people to keep with you. They know your best and worst days and are willing to stick with you. Not only that but you decide to stick around their best and worst.

 I know self love is sometimes hard to achieve. You’re reading the best example of someone who does struggle with it. It takes time and it is not easy. Which time and work, you can do it. I know I can do it.

Happy Valentine’s Day everyone! Love yourself and remember how awesome you are. 
-Jackie

Inspirational Board

I am feeling very crafty lately. 

 Today, I made an inspirational board. Since I was in a funk lately, I did research and found this project to boost confidence and motivation. I found wonderful quotes and words that I felt described me. Also, I am hold a sloth and that was the happiest I ever was.

 -Jackie 

Weight Loss Visual

 I decided to share what I created. I always saw this on Pinterest and decided to do this for myself. I am a visual person and I think this will be great motivation.

 I already have eight marbles in the pounds lost mason jar. This makes me really happy. I hope to get it to 10 soon!
What do you do for motivation?
-Jackie