I’m Back

So..I have been TMI lately. Why? I have not been satisfied with how things have been going. 

  I have been very depressed and low lately. Why? Well, overthinking. 

I am 28 years old and I still live at home. I don’t have a place of my own. I can’t move out because I am broke. I am in student debt and my salary was not going well. Now, I am changing my career and it is not what I thought I would be doing. Pay isn’t desirable but health insurance is great. I haven’t gone to a dentist or eye doctor since so was 25. I have found that I have become a failure. Life is taking a hard left turn and I am not sure what will happen for my future. I am not sure if I will ever be able to move out. 
 Since I have been stressing so much about money, future, acceptance, and wanting people to be proud of me..I am geared back to food. I found a bag of chips, ice cream, and candy to be satisfying. I found it was the only thing I can control right now in my life. I was thinking, “Well..I can afford this bag of candy and it makes me happy because I can’t afford anything else.” Well..now I am heavier and feeling less healthy.


 On the left was last summer. I was 183 lbs. on the right was the beginning of this month. I am 217 lbs. Since last year, I have gained 34 lbs. Granted, I lost weight the start of the year but I gained it all back and more.

 I stopped tracking. I stopped working out. I stopped caring. A lot of the times I felt everything was pointless. I couldn’t see my future and nothing seemed to be going right. Still isn’t..but this is not excuse to not be healthy.

 So..this Rachel Ray guest is a failure.

  I have a hard time walking up stairs without breathing hard. My clothes don’t fit. My skin is breaking out with pimples and psoriasis. I get really bad headaches. I have low self esteem and my confidence is gone.
However, I went back to Weight Watchers this morning. Today I am changing myself again. I did this before and I can do it again. Life is too short to be unhappy and feeling this way. If I am not happy, I will change it. I will not let the past ruin my present and future.
I hope this works..
-Jackie

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This is My Year

I am going to love myself. I am going to go on the interview. I am going to get the job. I am going to fall in love. I am going to show love towards my family. I am going to hang out with my friends. I am going to save my money. I am going to laugh until I can’t breath. I am going to be healthy. I am going to walk for miles. I am going to read that book. I am going to be polite. I am going to see that show. I am going to get organize. I am going to get rid of that negativity. I am going to see what I am worth. I am going to wear that red, black, or purple lipstick. I am going to give to that charity. I am going to do what I want to do. I am going to respect people who respect me. I am going to let go of the past. I am going to let go of the negative people. I am going to be more positive.
2017 is my year. 

Don’t Live in the Past

 Life has been rather difficult for me the last year. Many may not understand but I basically had a crisis. I can’t call it a midlife crisis but it was very similar. Working many part time jobs, gaining weight, drinking a lot, and thinking people who were apart of your life really where not the best for you or ran away when times got rough.

 Life is a challenge and it is not supposed to be easy. However, when one is stressed out it is rather difficult to focus. I have been dealin with a lot of good and bad stress lately. I have been finding that food is the only comfort I get. I find myself not knowing when to stop. 

 I also over think a lot. It is a lot of negative thinking because I feel that the last year I have become a failure. Working really hard (and not being promoted or advancing), failed relationships, people getting mad at me due to feeling over whelmed and stressed, gaining weight, and just not feeling satisfied in life. 

 Every week I tell myself that things will change. Honesty, the motivation is not there. I can’t stop playing the past in my head. I feel like I have done a lot of wrong in my life. Wish I could fix everything. I can’t.

  So again..if I seem difficult or unbearable..please be patient. If not, don’t be in my life. I can’t handle anymore stress.
-Jackie

Random Thoughts 

So, this is the last full week of me being twenty-seven years old. Twenty-seven had many ups and downs. I have to say 2016/being twenty-seven was one of the hardest parts of my life. I had a lot of changes and self exploring/crisis happening. I had to explore what I truly want to be happy and I am still learning.

 First, twenty-seven was full of the most tears in my life. I am learning that I am getting burnt out with my job and with relationships. I am learning what I want in a relationship. However, twenty-seven is when I learned what heart break actually feels like. Not an amazing feeling.

 Second, twenty-seven I was told I have anxiety and social anxiety. I get worked up around people. I do see this. I want to please people so much but you just can’t do that.

Third, twenty-seven made me go back on track to being a healthy person. One point I lost 13 lbs. I got off track slightly from vacation but I am willing to work hard again. I need to be healthy for me.

Finally, twenty-seven has showed me who truly matter in my life. If people care, they will stay in my life. The best moments at twenty-seven was spending time with my family and friends and going on adventures with them. Laughing until I cry is a great feeling. I hope to encounter this and being surrounded by people who I care about at twenty-eight.

-Jackie

Declutter and Self Love

Lately, I have been holding onto the past too much. I would wish and over think that things would change. They did not. Time to fully move on. I started to but in the back of my mind, I really wished to stay in a hopeful mood. I felt weak and this situation made me feel self doubt and a lack of confidence. Now, I realize I am more than the situation. I decided to make some deletions of social media, photos, and belongings. No more of this painful past in my life anymore. 

Dating should not be painful. However, it is work. It is not a fairy tale. Things do not magically happen and fall into place. It is about giving and taking. You should never have doubt that your a poor person in a relationship. You should never have to feel that the way you are is incorrect. If someone ever tells you are “over dramatic” or “need to stop thinking. Shut off your brain” then leave.

  To that person..the over thinking is who they are. They can’t change who they are. To tell someone they are dramatic is painful. It makes them question who they are. It makes them believe they are ugly and unbearable. To not apologize and mean it is worse.

 To tell someone to stop thinking and shut off your brain..that means that you are controlling and telling the person to stop being a person. Why would you change someone who has a big heart, worry about the person, and have ideas of making a relationship work? Every action or thought was to show I cared, respected, and admired you. 

 Thank you for breaking up with me. I am glad to see that I do not need that negative force in my life. You can’t change a person. This is who I am. 

I hope you find someone who has a big heart like me (maybe bigger) and will show respect despite your flaws and habits. However, I am in search for someone who understands my big heart and will NEVER tell me I am dramatic and need to shut my brain in a hurtful manner. 

 

 I bought this ring last month to show I love myself. This is a ring that claims my commitment to me and no one else. I use it as an anchor. 

 I felt lost and deprived of love, especially loving myself. I questioned who I am as a person. I worried that the way I am is off putting and that no one will see me as something special. Some days are still hard but it is getting better. 

 When I look at my ring on my hand or if Icrub the pearl with my index finger, I realize that I am special. I am powerful. I am incredibly smart, talented, beautiful, and kind. My overthinking and anxiety is apart of who I am. We all have flaws. I am perfect with my imperfections.

Somedays are harder than others. However, I do the following to keep me grounded:

1.) Surround myself with people who love my imperfections.

2.) Teach my students but try to slip in inspirational motives and ideologies that keep me going. Hopefully, inspiring myself inspires ones of them.

3.) Eat right, don’t drink alcohol, get plenty of sleep, wear makeup and exercise. I am worth good health.

4.) Do what makes you happy and don’t be afraid to say no.

5.) If someone doesn’t like who I am, move on.

Life is too short to feel the way I have been feeling. Moving on is the best medicine.

-Jackie